Jokes  

Q: How do you recognize a Sri Lankan hooker?

A: She's the one in the fish-nets.

you make me laught in the library, now people look at me.

Q: whats the difference between an orange?

A: a helicopter has doors and a motorbike dosn't

if you dont get it, look harder

I don't get it.       ???

Anyway.......

Political Viruses:

The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to
keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.

The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of
the disk and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen.

The Ronald Reagan Virus - Saves your data, but forgets where it is
stored.

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and
re-counting.

The Bob Dole (aka Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old
floppy.

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then
e-mails everyone about what it did.

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will
be back.

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then
slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB.

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't
care.

The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch
floppy ... then discards it through Windows.

:cl:

Choking on a Chicken Bone

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small southern town out in the country.  She orders the fried chicken and starts to eat.  Eating too fast, she chokes on a chicken bone.

Well, these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking, and they get up and go over to help her.  The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over, and the second country boy starts licking his butt.

She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.  The country boy pulls his coveralls back up and says to the other excitedly,   "You're right Billy Bob, that Hind-Lick Maneuver works like a charm."

ha, lick, ha

A guy is driving through Alabama and he sees a sign in front of a
house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell, and the owner tells
him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees
a Labrador Retriever sitting there.
You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when
I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the
CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from
country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders,
because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their
most valuable spies for eight years running." "But the jetting around
really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted
to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some
undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters
and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded
a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm
just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
the dog.
"Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him
so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit."

"A lobbyist, on his way home from work in Washington, D.C., came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual." He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's the hold-up?"

The officer replied, "The President Bush is depressed, so he stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq, or the worsening deficit and economy, or that his tax cuts will help anyone except his wealthy friends. So we're taking up a collection for him."

The lobbyist asks, "How much have you got so far?"

The officer replies, "About four gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."

A woman is standing at a supermarket check out and she notices a drunken bum standing nearby looking at the items she's purchasing: skim milk, bread, lettuce, 2kg of coffee, butter and tomatoes.

"You're single aren't you?" says the bum.

The woman is shocked but can't understand how he was able to tell from her shopping.

"Yes I am - how could you tell?"

"Because you're ugly."

- That ones for Doggus and Will especially!!

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past, looks up and says to the monkey, "Hey, what're you doing?"
The monkey replies," Smokin' a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans over too far and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, " What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up a tree with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and wanders
into the jungle. He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a joint. The crocodile yells up to the
monkey and says, "Hey!"

The monkey looks down and says, "Fuuuuuuuuuuuck........how much water did you drink?"

Q. What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

A. A quaterpounder with cheese.

whats blue and fucks granny's?

hypothermia

q.whats the worst thing about being your grandfather?

a. having to fuck your grandmother

q. whats orange and looks good on a black man?

a. fire

q. whats green and mows the lawn?

a. my nigga and i can paint him any colour i want

niggers, this should be in the 18+ bit

what is the latest nigger pregnancy test?

stich a banana up ya cunt, if it is half eaten when you pull it out you have another monkey on the way
:cs: :rof: :v:
which one

I still don't get nic's hypothermia grandma joke...

:cs:

you'll figure it out soon granny

Come on Tailz!!!!

As for the racist jokes, they don't bother me (becuase they're jokes, not truth) but could these be badly perceived?

Just wondering what others thought.    :-/

safeway had white paint on sale if we need to stamp out this racism

does that come in gloss and mat, for people with dry and oily skin? :scktc:

An Aussie was sitting at a bar in Sydney when this huge, burly American guy walks in.
As he passes the Aussie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor.
The big, burly Yank says, "That's a karate chop from Korea."
Well, the Aussie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer.

The burly Yank then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Aussie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor.

"That's a judo chop from Japan", he says.

The Aussie decides he's had enough and leaves.
A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly Yank sitting at the bar.
He walks up behind him and smacks him on the head, knocking him out.

The Aussie says to the bartender, "When he wakes up mate, tell him that was a  #*%#$ crowbar from Bunnings."

These are things people have actually said in court, word for word.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

Do you remember when I met you and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car, making love?" "Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues... "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my
face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today."

I apologise in advance:

Q: What did the zero say to the ten?
A: Nice one.

Q: What did the zero say to the eight?
A: Nice belt, a little tight though.

Hehehe, was that those jokes that dude down at the creek was saying Sunday morning Damien?
They were great for that time of morning  :cl: except that one about yoga or something, didn't twig onto that one

Yeah, Biz was responsible for those.

Can't quite remember that other one; I think it had something to do with Sar Wars enthusiasts doing yoga after mis-reading the sign. yoga-yoda.

gotta love the cheese.

biz was a pisser. remember @ one stage i glanced over to see him trotting through the crowd with ferns coming out of his shirt.

Did anyone see him dressed up as a gumtree?

Hehehe, I did see that guy. Very funny  :cl: ;D

Biz not only camouflaged himself in ferns, he cammoed an entire car.  The best moment came when he asked Stevie and me what we thought and Stevie thought he was talking about the car with pieces of cardboard on it, because he hadn't seen the cammo car (which was right next to it).  I guess it goes to show he'd done a pretty thorough job...

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper
for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was
doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired
hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found
the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her and said, "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so
slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."